Long one and probably the last

Well obviously im still the one who cant move on and just let everything go. Everything was actually in the past and i must say that im a bit confuse of myself.  I keep on questioning whether this is what i actually want and is it the right way, is it really? But to be selfish and ruininh everything again? Im not sure whether i have the courage to do so. Probably ive made a huge mistake, probably i didnt. Probably i used to want it, probably im regretting it now. Probably i should just let myself free b4, probably this is the right way. The problem actually came from me. I didn’t actually know what i want. And it suffocates me bcs i keep playin around. Few things led to another and it got tangled that I actually didnt know how to fix this. But the truth is, nothing can be fixed anymore. I just have to pay the price. It was my fault. And all these sadness, guilty, remorse, frustration or devastation - i just have to go through this. I finally can admit that people who suffer from this is bcs of me. Not bcs their fault. I lied to people who trusted me. To my ex, to my bf, to my friend. It all started with me. The confusion that i felt, not knowing what to do. And although at that point of time i thought it was the best decision ever, I literally forgot that an inner peace is what im lookin for. The amount of stress that ive felt afterwards was actually killing me. I hated how people see me and i still am. I tried to be so honest when im writing this. Bcs i cannot hide it anymore. I think its time that i let it go and be honest with myself. I must admit that i used to be selfish, that i thought my happiness was what matters the most ( which is yes) but not by playing dirty. By not sacrificing people’s feelings. I should have back off and set myself free. No one will actually suffer no one will hold any grudges and i can still smiling. Its not that im not happy now, but the amount of stress that ive felt.. is just idk. I may be numb someday but rn i just dont know. There are so many ifs and whys that ive been tellinh and asking myself but whats the point ? I cant do anything, if i fix it wrongly, those old scars will be bleed again. I thought i was different but I actually became the person that i always wished Im not. Its time that i stop askinh for people’s sympathies bcs it was all my fault. I can admit that sometimes I wished I didnt choose what i chose now. i shall stop and move forward. Yes, i admit that sometimes i wish certain people wont move on from me, still think like im their centre of universe. But that is very stupid and rubbish and im stupid and rubbish. Im not downgrading myself but im tired of me too. Im tired of the confusion that i felt, the idea of having some perfection in life, sekejap nak ni sekejap nak tu, and always wanted more in life. I understand if someone hated the way i think, im not nice as what people think. The truth is yes im selfish. Right from the start. Im not as innocent as what it seems. I ruined my own friendships when i was in primary by being the batu api and it even involved some parents. People called me a slut twice in high school, and college. It gets even worse when im in college. Im sorry to those people who i lied to and ruined their life. Frankly speaking, i still refuse to move on from this but theres nothing else i can do. And yes i knew right from the start that somebody else is actually reading this blog. I admit that sometimes i hold this one particular person from moving on and when he actually does, my heart shattered. Still when i talk about this now, i dont feel at ease.However, i realise i was being stupid and i dont deserve anything good from this person anymore. Im scared that this person is happy and im not the reason anymore. I admit it and im sorry. Im sorry for everything. I shall not pass the limit and let people move on with their life. Its time, time to let people feel happier in  their life and accepting the fact that im not part of their sources of happiness anymore. Stop going back to things that ruin people’s life, playing around here and there and act like this.

I need to i really need to and im really trying.

It suffocates me 

I hate this confusion 

I hate not knowing what i want
The truth is me and my happiness is actually depending on people and when it doesnt go both ways im the one who suffers.
And with thisssss long post, i hope i can finally let it all go.
To a friend of mine who i can never say sorry anymore, im really sorry . I lied to you. I snatched your happiness and i didnt trust you. I fully understand if you hated me bcs i would do the same if i were you. Im sorry i shall not cross the limit. And didnt act like what i said before. Hope you will always find ur happiness.

Ive been swallowing this for months. But this is what a sinner should feel. As much as i wanted to forget this, it came back and haunted me. This is really the price that i need to pay.
I shall fix myself first, im always scared of making the wrong decision. Thats when i thought i needed to prioritise my feelings first. I didnt care about the consequences bcs i thought ive sacrificed more than enough and its time for me to be happy. But when i think about it again, i’ll choose the pain instead of this guilty feeling that will haunt me forever. And i will try to remind myself that it just cant be fixed , there are so many hearts that need to be taken care of, and im scared to even touch the wound back.