ihiks
i have like finally feel at ease ? i guess for awhile ; before my new semester starts *in a week aduhai sigh.... well i should be writing my obu research paper today but......................................wtv
So my last semester had been by far the worst.ever.semester that ive ever went through (not sure yet about the future) tonnessss of crying, broke down and only sleep sleep and sleep throughout the day. I guess thats just the only way to escape myself from the unnecessary dramas at college. certainly theres always people who would put u into hell, only to clean up their stupid mess.
2 weeks ago, i couldnt even step into my class, i felt like the world is really againts me. Ive been crying and wondering how should i just shut people that surround me. but im always that person, who likes being isolated, doing my own things but yet people will still question about me. I really hate my college life, i dont feel like i actually belong there. Sometimes i just wonder whether im being paranoid, or always trying to victimizing myself. I mean, im always scared of what people think about me. I dont want to be seen, or talked about, it feels like its always the bad things.
A friend who read my previous posts did ask about me (months ago), whether im actually good or do i need help. I really appreciate that, but then i only write here cuz i really had no other place to tell. It would be hard and difficult enough for other people to listen, since they had their own issues too.
Its really hard to picture and explain how uncontrollable i was in the last 2 weeks. it feels like theres no hope but i just couldnt give up. It is so hard to be stepping again, and wake up from my nightmare. Or even face few friends whom i thought was my friends.
frankly speaking, i dont like sharing. It feels like i dont even need to be there at the first place. i tried to make myself feel belong when im with my friends, but most of the time i dont. or how suddenly i can feel frustrated over the thought of shakey having a lot of friends and im usually always alone.
some people in college said that ive always wanted to control things around (due to the above reason) but i really dont know what triggers me to always feel like im just the second option in everyone's life
when people started to throw shades on me, i just feel like i really had no one. i feel like the world is tearing apart, i started to cut my wrist, tried to portray the pain that i felt on my body. everytime i think about it again, i feel disgusted. like how can i do that to myself. i mean i dont feel much better pun, rasa disappointed adalah lagi.
sometimes i rasa cukuplah with all the stupid break downs or me being hurt on every words yang orang cakap. some of my friends tak happy pun bila i prosper, and that shit hurts a lot. tapi honestly im tired of pretending that im ok and we had nothing againts each other cuz i know we had issues.
i guess im also tired of few friends who quite busy spreading stories bout you only to cover up their own mess?
for what had happened, i feel like the blame is all on me. maybe i was too fragile, or too selfish.
i wanted to be happy, but i guess when you grow up, theres no such thing as that. its just you who trying to cope with your surrounding and life.
i couldnt wait for all of this thing to finish, and smiling looking back to my god. These feelings are all temporary and what people think about me, doesnt really matter at the end of the day.
I question Him a lot, like my existence, my feelings, my friends and all. I even got mad if things didnt go as per what i want, but oh well He knows best and will always wants the best for us.
If we sin, but yet theres still some guilty feelings inside ourselves and we pray begging for forgiveness, itu masih nikmat daripada Dia.
I dont know whats waiting for me in the future, but i guess after all of these ups and downs, i hope ill be smiling looking at my result :p just want to feel like all of my tears and sweat and me pushing myself to study walaupun diri sendiri tk ok will be worthy at the end of the day
what i feel and my thoughts, dah macam norm dah pun. And walaupun kadang rasa macam dah tak rasa apa, i guess in the future i only want to take care of my heart. i wont let people break me. no more.
So my last semester had been by far the worst.ever.semester that ive ever went through (not sure yet about the future) tonnessss of crying, broke down and only sleep sleep and sleep throughout the day. I guess thats just the only way to escape myself from the unnecessary dramas at college. certainly theres always people who would put u into hell, only to clean up their stupid mess.
2 weeks ago, i couldnt even step into my class, i felt like the world is really againts me. Ive been crying and wondering how should i just shut people that surround me. but im always that person, who likes being isolated, doing my own things but yet people will still question about me. I really hate my college life, i dont feel like i actually belong there. Sometimes i just wonder whether im being paranoid, or always trying to victimizing myself. I mean, im always scared of what people think about me. I dont want to be seen, or talked about, it feels like its always the bad things.
A friend who read my previous posts did ask about me (months ago), whether im actually good or do i need help. I really appreciate that, but then i only write here cuz i really had no other place to tell. It would be hard and difficult enough for other people to listen, since they had their own issues too.
Its really hard to picture and explain how uncontrollable i was in the last 2 weeks. it feels like theres no hope but i just couldnt give up. It is so hard to be stepping again, and wake up from my nightmare. Or even face few friends whom i thought was my friends.
frankly speaking, i dont like sharing. It feels like i dont even need to be there at the first place. i tried to make myself feel belong when im with my friends, but most of the time i dont. or how suddenly i can feel frustrated over the thought of shakey having a lot of friends and im usually always alone.
some people in college said that ive always wanted to control things around (due to the above reason) but i really dont know what triggers me to always feel like im just the second option in everyone's life
when people started to throw shades on me, i just feel like i really had no one. i feel like the world is tearing apart, i started to cut my wrist, tried to portray the pain that i felt on my body. everytime i think about it again, i feel disgusted. like how can i do that to myself. i mean i dont feel much better pun, rasa disappointed adalah lagi.
sometimes i rasa cukuplah with all the stupid break downs or me being hurt on every words yang orang cakap. some of my friends tak happy pun bila i prosper, and that shit hurts a lot. tapi honestly im tired of pretending that im ok and we had nothing againts each other cuz i know we had issues.
i guess im also tired of few friends who quite busy spreading stories bout you only to cover up their own mess?
for what had happened, i feel like the blame is all on me. maybe i was too fragile, or too selfish.
i wanted to be happy, but i guess when you grow up, theres no such thing as that. its just you who trying to cope with your surrounding and life.
i couldnt wait for all of this thing to finish, and smiling looking back to my god. These feelings are all temporary and what people think about me, doesnt really matter at the end of the day.
I question Him a lot, like my existence, my feelings, my friends and all. I even got mad if things didnt go as per what i want, but oh well He knows best and will always wants the best for us.
If we sin, but yet theres still some guilty feelings inside ourselves and we pray begging for forgiveness, itu masih nikmat daripada Dia.
I dont know whats waiting for me in the future, but i guess after all of these ups and downs, i hope ill be smiling looking at my result :p just want to feel like all of my tears and sweat and me pushing myself to study walaupun diri sendiri tk ok will be worthy at the end of the day
what i feel and my thoughts, dah macam norm dah pun. And walaupun kadang rasa macam dah tak rasa apa, i guess in the future i only want to take care of my heart. i wont let people break me. no more.
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